Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize