I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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