Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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