Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
