she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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