I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
