Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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