I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize