Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
