highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
