I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
