I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
