the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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