i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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