I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
