im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
