naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
