Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
