Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
