you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
