i think my tv is drunk
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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