It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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