She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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