Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
