I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
