Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
