i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm passing your future prison.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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