Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
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