my phone needs a breathalizer
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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