on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
