someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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