3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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