Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
