yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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