my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
