Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
