somebody snuck up and got me drunk
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
