He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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