the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
