Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
