obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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