Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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