Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
