I want to make a zoo with you.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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