john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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