If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
