i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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