just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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