I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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