I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
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