I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
