So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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