The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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