You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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