Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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