everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
